A Solution For Lindsay Lohan

What Lindsay likely doesn't understand - yet probably wouldn't mind - is that stripping isn't simply about pole-dancing and pole-tricks. A significant portion of a stripper's night is spent in the darkened confines of strip clubs' various VIP and champagne rooms in constant physical contact with any desperate prick… » 12/28/06 6:55pm 12/28/06 6:55pm

Misinformation: Not All Bouncers Drive Kias

We still haven't figured out whether A.J. has a blog or not, but if he did, it'd look a lot like this one. Then again, this could also conceivably be the work of one of these guys. Either way, this is what you're dealing with when you're competing for VIP table space these days. » 12/28/06 6:40pm 12/28/06 6:40pm

Incidentally, your guest editor…

This Will Make You Understand The Proper Timing Of The 'Ammonia Toss'

The holidays can be very stressful for Staten Islanders. When residents of the fifth borough suddenly feel the need to wreak havoc, we certainly know where they're coming from, having been there ourselves many, many times. There have been several occasions this very week, in fact, where your guest editor has been… » 12/28/06 6:25pm 12/28/06 6:25pm

It's Always Best To Do Things On Your Own Terms

Essentially, what we're looking at is this: Britney Spears shows us a good solid week's worth of muff, and all we get to see on her website is some eerily Heaven's Gate-esque stream of purple shit emanating from a framed nine lines of grammatically incorrect tripe. » 12/28/06 5:40pm 12/28/06 5:40pm

We especially admire her clashing tenses and…

Some Vodkas Are Made From Potatoes

Forget second chances. If The Donald really wanted to show Tara Conner exactly what becomes of "hot pieces of ass" after they spend several years doing the club circuit - combined with the requisite botched plastic surgeries one needs when one no longer cares about one's diet or nutrition - all he had to do was flash… » 12/28/06 1:30pm 12/28/06 1:30pm

Reading With Our Hands Under The Desk

In blogs, everyone's hot. You click on a page and read about someone's menstrual cycle, or the new pair of underpants they just bought, and you think to yourself, "Damn, she has to be one hot little piece." The problem we've found with blogs, however, is that some female bloggers are nowhere near as attractive as… » 12/28/06 12:30pm 12/28/06 12:30pm

Daily News Averts Clich Disaster

So, record numbers of slow-moving, five-abreast sidewalk-blocking Michiganders are in New York this month, pushing back the start of our workdays by keeping us from going where we need to go. Read the story. It's informative, if not particularly groundbreaking. The headline, however, is what's important. It appears to… » 12/28/06 11:30am 12/28/06 11:30am

Cliche Detected: 'Cruising The Pike' Is The New Meatpacking

We've often found ourselves scanning Craigslist following a series of blatantly illegal driving maneuvers on that breezy little Long Island thoroughfare known as Hempstead Turnpike, hoping against hope that someone - anyone - with two breasts and a vagina bore witness to our courage. Sometimes in this crazy world,… » 12/28/06 10:10am 12/28/06 10:10am

Lindsay Lohan Explores What Might Have Been

Having dated our share of strippers - some of us, that is - we know that life "on the pole" can be a bit taxing. From the lecherous management types who'll exploit your every vulnerability to the various wack-jobs with whom you'll share a dressing room, the entire profession is enough to leave a permanent bruise on… » 12/28/06 9:30am 12/28/06 9:30am

New Yorkers Getting Murdered, But Waiting a While To Die

You people are killing each other at a much higher rate this year, and we don't know why, although we're liking the idea of a "reclassified homicide," which is where one New Yorker kills another one, but the one who's been killed doesn't die until the following year. 2006 gave us an unusually high number of… » 12/27/06 5:45pm 12/27/06 5:45pm